Never Alone

I can't tell you how happy I was to be off today. Work has been hard lately... I know, I know, so what else is new! But maybe it's like a cumulative effect or something. The charge nurse yesterday was joking that I was becoming a cynical nurse, that my attitude had changed. Granted, yesterday was not a good day on many levels, and my patience was pretty much neglible. Yet I don't want to be a hardened nurse. I didn't choose this profession because I wanted to become jaded!

I really was one of those naive students that wanted to be a nurse to help people... but now I've realized that most of the time, I don't really care. Which is awful. But I don't have time or energy to care! How on earth am I supposed to accomplish everything that needs to be done in a shift, all on my own? It seems like every week there is something additional for the nursing staff to do. I want to be a good nurse, but it is like the deck is stacked against me. It is pretty much impossible.

I have learned the valuable lesson that if you show even the slightest level of competence, then you are given more responsibility. If you can handle the pressure, you're more likely to be put in the tougher situations. I thought I was imagining it, but one of the charge nurses this weekend told me that I wasn't. I should take it as a compliment that they think I can handle it, but instead I am caught up in the unfairness of that. Why should I have to work harder, just because I am better at it? That sounds arrogant. Sorry. I'm just so frustrated.

I spent quite a while on the phone with one of my coworkers this evening. The phone call caught me completely off-guard... we'd been friends when we worked the same shift, and had exchanged numbers, but never really contacted each other outside of work. She called me in tears after her boyfriend broke up with her this weekend. I felt a bit helpless... I mean, what can you say? But I know that sometimes just having someone to listen is all that is necessary. I was struck by something she said today... that she'd lived in Washington for 6 months, and when this happened, she didn't have anyone to call. I was really glad she called me. It broke my heart to hear everything, but it made me feel really good to be there for somebody who had nobody. I am just so grateful that I have hope in my Saviour. She was so incredibly hopeless, and it really drove home to me that no matter what, I will never, ever, be alone. That I have a hope in something beyond this world and the pain in it. And that was a reminder that I desperately needed today!! :-)

At the same time, talking with her about life and boys and work was also exactly what I needed. I was praying on Saturday night for more friendships, that God would give me some women that I could turn to when I needed to, that I would have a broader circle of support. And even though she isn't a Christian, she does understand what I go through at work. It was so wonderful today to be able to talk about the stuff that nobody else understands. The stuff that keeps me awake at night sometimes. I confided in her that I had promised myself that I had to stay working as a nurse long enough to pay off nursing school.... and beyond that, who knows how much longer. She understands why I am seriously contemplating not being 100% full time once I am eligible in April. It just felt like an answer to prayer to talk to her today. It's crazy. I was feeling completely at a loss and then God answered my prayer... just served as a reminder that He always does, even if the answer is for me to wait!

That said, I am still dreading going to work. At least now I know I am not the only one that feels that way! Tomorrow is the big rollout of the new computer system, which promises to be a nightmare. I'm not confident that I will be out on time tomorrow night!

Wow, this ended up being a really long post. And not particularly upbeat. Sorry about that. I've been struggling to stay positive the last couple of days. Sigh.