Reflections on June 1

I've been looking forward to this day since December. In my mind, June 1 was this goal date, when things would be different. On some of those incredibly tough days this past winter, my focus was simply to make it through to June.

And yet here I am, on the evening of June 1, thinking about the next segment of the journey, and realizing that today didn't really bring the things I thought that it might. Maybe this is a lesson in focusing on the wrong things. Sure, putting a date on something makes time seem finite. That long road ahead has an end point, and even if it is a speck on the distance, you can see it coming. On my way along that road, I've reached that speck... and have realized that it was just a refueling station. There is still a very long road ahead. And even though ultimately, the reward will be amazing, I'm looking at a road with no discernable end point. I feel like begging for someone to map it out, to tell me exactly how much farther to go, and what to expect. Will there be hills? Rivers to ford or deserts to cross? Or will it be flat and manageable, with a beautiful view? Despite my yearning to know all the answers... maybe that's not the idea. Maybe the point is that I perservere along this path, and trust that God will not only equip me for any obstacles (or stumbling blocks as the case may be) I might encounter, but the one day, I will be making my way, fully trusting Him, and I will come over the crest of a hill... and discover I have reached the end of the journey, without even realizing how close I was.

I know I've dragged out the illustration, but that's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling right now. Honestly, I've had some moments recently where I've gotten very angry. I felt like I'd been cheated or misled... "here's the end point... haha, just kidding... it's only the beginning!" But that attitude will get me nothing. Because ultimately it is not mine to control. Whether I'm angry or not, I'm still at that same point in the road. And the road still stretches ahead, whether I like it or not. I wonder what would happen if instead of spending all my time focusing on my anger and frustration... I just kept on going. Trusting God. Praying. Having faith that this journey will end at the right time, in the right way. And if He's in control, that the reward will be beyond my wildest imagination. :-)

This has been a cryptic blog... but I think most of my readers will understand that to which I refer. And despite the depressed tone of this and my last post, I'm really doing ok. Better than I thought I would be. Not that I'm necessarily pleased... it would have been really nice to have June 1 bring the things I'd hoped it would. Really nice. But since it didn't... gotta keep on.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.