Loneliness

I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, again. I know, it's getting to be a bad habit. At the moment I am frustrated because I requested this weekend off approximately 4 months ago, and finagled so I would only have to work one 8 hr shift tonight out of the whole long weekend so I could have time off from work when the rest of the world does, too... and now it is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I am sitting alone in my house, bored. Killing the next 9 hours until I go to work. And the fact that work is the only thing on my schedule today except going to Hope... man. Enough to make me on the edge of tears. I should have been more proactive, more vocal about making plans so I wouldn't be alone. But I'm trying not to be such an obssessive planner, because that tends to drive people nuts. Except... now I'm miserable. Lesson learned.

Jonathan and Liz's wedding yesterday was beautiful. It was a nice day to drive up to Bellingham! The wedding itself was neat... I liked a lot of the things they did at the ceremony (some a little different than other weddings I've seen). The reception was fun, too, for the most part. I did end up feeling very alone for much of the afternoon. I'm not good at social situations, in general, and when I am by myself and trying to negotiate the social maze... it's hard. When I came in to the church, they were taking pictures of each family or couple as sort of a photo-guestbook. Well, let me say I about died when I realized it would just be me, standing there like an idiot by myself. I ended up in an even more awkward situation by taking a joint picture with half of the Banks family... another family joked that Jonathan and Liz would wonder when the Banks adopted a white girl. Haha! I laughed... but it was not a good start to the afternoon. Then came the awkward standing around in the lobby pre-wedding... making small talk with people who I haven't seen since I was 14... which made me feel like I WAS an dorky 14 year old again. Confidence out the window! Finally decided to go into the church... then comes the embarrassing conversation with the usher escorting me. Yes, I am here alone. No, there's nobody I came with that I'd like to sit near. Sigh.

The reception was not much better. I spent much of it walking around the room like I was on a mission to go meet a friend or something, since I figured it was better than standing there by myself like a dork. I might have left early except that I really did want to see Jonathan and Liz's reception and I had driven so far to get there that it seemed silly to leave right away. I did end up hanging out with Sarah a bit, which was awesome. Good to catch up a little after she's been away all spring. But then I felt bad, like I was keeping her from her own brother's wedding reception or something. I participated in the first of Jesse's dances but then just watched the rest from the sidelines. Martha and Maureen tried to encourage me to join the girls in catching the bouquet, but honestly, my heart wasn't in it. Besides, better to let one of Liz's friends catch it... I already caught Ingrid's, which was the only one I've ever really wanted, anyway!! :)

I sound really down, I know. The wedding and reception were pretty great, in themselves. I just ended up feeling really lonely. Maybe because being with all those people I've known for over 20 years made me miss my family. I wish my brother, especially, could have been there. All the groomsmen were his childhood friends! I think the other thing I'm not used to is that in the past at weddings or parties, I've always had my brother or my parents to hang out with. Or occasionally a friend, although I've not always been so good in that department. And while there is freedom in being alone (I can do what I want!)... the novelty wears off rather quick. I was pretty jealous of all the girls there who came as part of a couple... oh to have a companion, even if you don't spend every moment together, someone you know you can always go talk to. Compared to standing there by myself, pretending to be this strong, independent, confident woman... that sounds pretty amazing. Of course, it's not the answer to the underlying issue... I've tried that "solution" and discovered it is pretty temporary and doesn't really solve anything.

My frustration lies mostly within myself. I wish I was more outgoing, less afraid of social situations. I know things have gotten infinitely better over the last 5 years (I only made one trip to the bathroom when I didn't have to go, just to take a break from it all!), but just when I feel like things are getting better, I have an afternoon like that when I just feel so... anxious. And alone.

Went back to reading in Matthew again today. I tend to jump all over the place! Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." To be honest, I'm weary. I want to give up my burden, but its hard to hand over control sometimes.

OK, better stop pouring everything out here or I might regret my brutal honestly later. :) Let me just say that the ongoing frustration over restrictions in my life... well, the frustration goes on... some days more intensely than others. I think going to the wedding made it worse! Or maybe it was just that the rest of this weekend was actually pretty awesome (I'm just in a mood at the moment and feel like focusing on the negative!). And when things are absolutely amazing for a moment or two... it makes the harsh reality all that much harder to swallow.