Submission

I can't sleep. It's a bit after 6 am, and I've been awake since 4... not on purpose. :( My body clock is all messed up from working night shift, I think. Worked this weekend, and then was supposed to work last night (or actually right now!) but I called out sick. Back to work tonight, so I don't really know what to do, sleep-wise. Will probably take a nap this afternoon and drink lots of coffee during my 12 hr shift!!

It's been a rough couple of days, to be honest. I'm feeling much better now than I have been lately, but still... gonna be a long road ahead, I think. I'm learning about patience and trusting God's plan... relinquishing control to Him. Which is tough for me, a self-professed control-freak. :)

The focus of the last couple sermons I've heard at Hope have been on submission, as we work through 1 Peter. Interestingly, I also finished reading this book last week that I think I might have mentioned before... "The Politically Incorrect Wife", which of course touches on this subject as well. You know, in secular circles, the word submission is such a dirty word. Like a beaten dog cowering in a corner... or a weak person without a backbone-- a doormat. This is definitely the way I used to look at the idea, and certainly when I was taking some "gender studies" classes at F&M, that's how it was portrayed. But God's really been working in my heart for months about what submission really means. So it's been kinda cool to have the topic be brought up again at church, after it's something I've been working through a lot lately.

There's lots of ways this is playing out in my life right now. Submission to God... He holds ultimate power and control. Over everything. His power is awesome, in the true sense of the word... inspiring awe and wonder... and maybe some fear, too. Instead of fighting to do my own thing, I need to let Him be the one in charge. And I need to stop and listen... not just a one-way relationship! I know from experience that when I have been able to back off, to trust in Him, to hand over my life into His hands... even for just a little while... it has been amazing. But I've haven't been very good about that lately. And it's becoming apparent that that's what's necessary right now.

Submission to God is the most important, but we're also told to submit to authority. What I've really been struggling with lately is the question of what to do when those in authority are wrong or abusing their power. We're supposed to do it anyway... ultimately they will answer to God, not to us. Which provides some comfort, I suppose. But on a practical, day-to-day level... it's tough. I know I'm not the first, or certainly the last, to struggle with this. What's really hard is that the way to get through it is to trust God and gain strength through Him... but when you're in a situation where you need to do that the most, sometimes it's the hardest to be close to Him. Sigh. It's tempting to get angry and question why things are the way they are. But we can't do that... He had His reasons, even if we can't comprehend them. I just gotta remember that.

Like I said, I've been reading several books lately on what it means to be a Christian woman, and someday a Christian wife and mother. It sounds crazy, in some ways... if you had told me 5 years ago, as I was on the brink of holding my degree from a prestigious East Coast liberal arts college, that in 2008, this is where I would be... I would never have believed it. I certainly went through my feminist phase, for sure... but I think at that time I lacked the maturity to really understand what it meant to be a truly Christian woman. (Not that I understand it fully now!! But so much more than I did then!) I never would have thought that I would find myself reading these types of books and actually agreeing with them. God has really worked in my heart in that sense, preparing me for the future, when I hope to have a husband and family, and to raise children in a Christian household. I've talked about this with a couple Christian girlfriends over the last couple months, and am realizing the beauty of submission. God really has had laid out different roles for men and women... and this is the part I never really understood before... women are not weak if they are submitting to their husbands, and to God. In fact, it is the opposite... there is strength in His plan. I can't really explain it here, but it's been a really interesting topic to study. I just hope I can start to live it!

If you're reading this (and in fact STILL reading this very long post), then chances are you know me... so I want to take selfish advantage of that and ask you to pray for me. Things are tough right now, and I need prayers for patience-- wisdom-- strength-- a spirit that trusts Him.

Well, now that I've been blogging for like 45 minutes... it's almost 7 am... time to face the day. Sigh.