WWFND?

Work was much better tonight... a lot less busy. Although I did find out that one of my patients from last night died about 4 hours after I went home. That was really sad for me and some of the other nurses that had taken care of him. Sometimes it's really difficult not to feel guilty when things happen... even if they are outside of your control. I have to remind myself that I did the best that I could, even though I might feel like the worst nurse ever. As one of my friends put it tonight, WWFND? What Would Florence Nightengale Do? :-)

Enough depressing stuff. Despite what it might sound like, I have actually been feeling pretty good lately. I'm liking work (most days). Got some amazing friends. I live in a gorgeous city. Lost a couple more pounds, although the rate has slowed a bit... might need to work out more often to keep it up, but as long as the numbers keep heading down, I'm happy! Actually, I've been pretty happy in general lately. :-) Life just seems to be working out really well for me. I don't think I have ever been as happy as I've been in the last few weeks! This morning, I literally woke up with a smile on my face. Seriously.

Moving here has suited me pretty well. I have certainly grown up quite a bit, that's for sure. I've learned a lot about myself and the things that are important. Like the fact that life is too short not to live it to the fullest. Whether that means late night trips to Kerry Park on a whim, singing at the top of your lungs while alone in the car, forgiving someone who's hurt you (even if you have every right to be angry), or being yourself without worrying what others might think, it's important to live every single day. Not just get through it, but actually LIVE each day. At least that's what I've been trying to do. God has put me here at this time, in this place, for a reason.

Time to head to bed. It is 2 am, after all. :-) Smokey is fast asleep on my bed, looking very cute. And since the heat in my apartment goes off at 11 pm... it is freezing! Definitely my cue to get some sleep.

January 13

I haven't written very much lately... and I keep thinking of good blog topics! Just haven't gotten around to actually sitting down and writing them. Don't worry-- you haven't missed anything Pulitzer-worthy. :-)

Only a couple more weeks of working evening shifts. I am really looking forward to switching to day shift so I can actually have a life! Although I suspect that I will be in for a rude awakening... what life? Haha. Work last night was pretty stressful. First time I ever had to throw away my clothes and steal hospital scrubs because I was covered in blood. Yikes. Nothing too gory, just a bladder irrigation gone awry. (Don't ask. Sigh.) I sent one patient to the ICU, where less than half an hour later he was on a ventilator... and one of my other ones suffered an injury... HIPAA prevents further details, but it was just not a good situation. And I felt horrible. Not my fault, but still. Ugh. Hate nights like that. Got home at about 1:15 am, stayed up for a bit just rehashing the whole shift in my head. Slept in this morning, and it felt wonderful. I had toyed with the idea of going to Mars Hill or something since I was gonna miss Hope tonight... but when I got home so late I knew it just wasn't going to happen.

Next weekend I'm headed to Lakeside to do some cabin leading for the TCL reunion weekend. I'm pretty nervous. Andy had some good advice... told me that I just had to "be a girl". Haha. I like that he said it like it was something that I had to make an effort to do! I've never really done anything like that before. It'll be good for me to get out of the house and put myself into an uncomfortable situation... I know like 2 people who will be there, so yeah... not my favorite thing. Also, Ingrid pointed out yesterday that I might have to face my other big fear-- public prayer. Yikes! I hate praying out loud in groups. But again, Andy had some good advice. As the older person, I can get away with delegating. Sounds like a plan. :-)

Still haven't taken down the Christmas tree. And it is January 13. Now I know why people have real trees-- the tree starts to disintegrate so you are forced to take it down!!

Went to Kerry Park again on Friday night. I seem to spend a lot of time there taking pictures! Here's one of my favorites from Friday:

Mixer, part 2

Look how pretty it is! (Yes, those are my legs reflected in the bowl... it is so clean that I couldn't take the picture without getting my reflection in it!!)

Mixer

I stayed up way too late last night! Nothing exciting going on... just couldn't seem to fall asleep at first. Spent a lot of time in prayer. I know that God has brought me here to this place, at this time, for a reason. I just need to trust Him and His timing. One day at a time.

Dinner last night was awesome, if I may say so myself! Steak, rice, green peas. Yep, I even made vegetables! It was the best meal I have had in quite some time. :) Although it was not without a bit of excitement... I blew a fuse! Had to go outside to the laundry room and flip the circuit breakers. Crisis averted! But it did make me wonder... I have rarely cooked actual meals since I have moved in, and it seems like there have been a fair number of minor crises... disproportionate to the actual number of meals cooked. So far we have attempted to serve chili without a ladle or other serving implement, set off the smoke detectors a few times (but I blame Andy for at least 1 of them), and now have lost power in the middle of cooking dinner. Hm. My cooking skills seem to be regressing.

Guess what arrived today? My Christmas present from Grandpa Reid! He gave me a Target giftcard for Christmas, which I used to purchase something extraordinarily extravagant. A mixer! But not just any mixer. It's the Kitchenaid Artisan... yes, with 10 speeds, a 5 qt capacity, and 12 possible attachments! Yikes! Haven't gotten a chance to play with it yet, but I am excited. It will probably be initiated by making thousands of Groundhog cookies.

Does being this excited over a stand mixer make me a dork? Probably. But I don't care. It's awesome. :)

Team building

Before I begin, a correction to my last post. My apologies to Aaron Elkins, whose book title I butchered. Not "Tiny Little Teeth", but "Little Tiny Teeth". I think. :) It is upstairs and I am too lazy to double check. I also apologize to all those Elkins fans who couldn't figure out what I was talking about! :)

I was talking to my parents this afternoon and they lamented that due to work schedules, the time difference, etc. the only way they knew what was going in my life was through my blog! Yikes. I better keep posting, then.

And since it is clear that Mom and Dad do indeed read this blog... I did not spend today sitting in the back row of the auditorium at telemetry class, being silly with my coworkers. :) We'll call it a team-building exercise. Actually, the class was mildly interesting. It was nice to have a refresher on some things. Although they did start at the very beginning. When the instructor began with "The heart has 4 chambers", I thought, "Oh dear." At the same moment, my friend Cher leaned over and said, "It's going to be a very long day." The material did get more exciting, particularly for me since I have my ACLS certification and was previously telemetry certified. I wowed the crowd by pointing out the proper atropine dosage for symptomatic bradycardia, according to the most recent ACLS guidelines, and by making the point that a dose of atropine is far less painful for the patient than transcutaneous pacing. Actually, I only pointed that out to my fellow UWMC 6NE crew in the back row... and half of them were asleep... so really I only wowed myself. And I am pretty easily impressed. :)

For our lunch break, I went with Cher, Ashley, and Abdul (all nurses from my floor) over to Northgate Mall. I might have been the first person ever to bring a bag lunch to the food court, but it was fun nevertheless. Actually, I really enjoyed hanging out with them outside the hospital. It was good to get to know them a bit better without the pressure of work. On the other hand, they did hear me singing along with the radio in the car. Hm. Maybe not such a good idea. But they were singing along, too, so it's ok, I think!

I managed to stay awake for the entire class (a major accomplishment), and we managed to capture cell phone pics of those colleagues who fell asleep... which made me glad I stayed awake. Not that we'd show them to Eric (our manager) or anything. Actually, I think he'd find them hilarious. :)

Time to go get cracking on cooking some dinner. Found some steak in my freezer, so I am looking forward to eating a home-cooked meal! Of course I have to cook it first...

Reading is Sexy

Jon Stewart on the Simpsons = hilarious. Just catching up on last night's epsiode as I write... my Tivo gets me. (To quote Andy quoting the ad!) :)

Headed out to work in a few minutes. The next couple of weeks have some odd scheduling because I'm doing telemetry classes 1 day a week. So it means that I'm working evenings for tonight and tomorrow, then have class on Wednesday at 7 am... after getting off work at 11:30 pm. Which stinks. But I am looking forward to spending 8 glorious hours learning about heart rhythms! Actually, I am mostly looking forward to sitting in the back of the auditorium with my friend Cher and goofing off. (Mom, Dad, if you're reading this... I will be in the front row, taking copious notes.)

Nothing too exciting to report since the last post. But it has been less than 12 hours... and I asleep for many of those hours, so I guess its ok. :) This morning it was good to relax and spend some much needed time in the Word and in prayer. Then I spent an hour on the couch with the latest Aaron Elkins novel, "Tiny Little Teeth"... I am determined to finish it before the library overdue fines kick in! I've been waiting for it on ILL (interlibrary loan, for those of you who don't know the cool lingo) since September, so it is great to be able to finally read it! So far it is ok, not one of my favorites, but I am only half way through. And there aren't even any bones yet, so it is sure to pick up! :)

There is a bumper sticker from the Seattle Public Library on my refrigerator that says, "Reading is Sexy". I certainly hope so!

Nothing Less

It's been a busy weekend! Worked Saturday night and was glad to finally have a day off today. Not that I had any big plans.... just slept in and hung out for a while. I was glad that I was able to go to church tonight-- I hate working on Sundays!

Mike gave a really good sermon, continuing the series on the life of Peter. Tonight was from Luke 22, where Peter denies Jesus at the trial, and the sermon was all about failure. The Holy Spirit works in amazing ways... tonight it was just what I needed. It really got me thinking about how sometimes we get over our heads in terms of sin. Lately I've been feeling like my struggle with sin has just left me feeling like a failure. Mike pointed out tonight in the sermon that failure is inevitable because Satan is involved... but that Satan answers to God. That really captured my attention because I hadn't really thought about it like that before. And the illustration of Jesus praying for Simon (not "Peter") is awesome: "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (verse 32) Can you imagine? Jesus praying, pleading... for me. Wow. And note that Jesus says "when you have turned back". Not if. When.

I won't attempt to recap the sermon any further for fear I will butcher it. But I like the idea of using your experiences to strengthen your brothers, once you've turned back. I only pray that my struggles can someday be used for the good of ministry! Mike mentioned Psalm 51 tonight... it had been a while since I read it, and as I looked at it during the Lord's Supper, David's prayer really became a prayer for me. I highly encourage you to check it out! :)

We sang a couple of great songs tonight, too, which I find the Holy Spirit often uses in my life. Tonight one of my favorite hymns really touched me:

His oath, His covenant, His blood, support me in the whelming flood. When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my Hope and Stay. On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.

It's late, so I better get to bed. Long work week ahead and all that. Sigh.

Resolutions

We were talking at work the other day about New Year's resolutions. I don't really have any this year... I kind of made my resolutions last summer. New start and all that jazz. Besides, I like to look at it two ways. First, the big picture, beyond 2008. Last year I started a list of things I want to do before I turn 30. (Visit all 50 US states, climb the REI rock wall downtown, go back to visit Germany, find the man of my dreams, run a 5K, etc. etc.) It's a random list, and some of the items will require quite a bit of planning. And God's grace. But it's neat to look towards the future!

The other way I approach the whole resolution idea is that every day is a new one. Maybe it's because I'm a nurse and see everyday what kind of curveballs life can give you. I've written about this a lot lately, I guess. But I have been realizing that life is short, and every single day is a gift from God. So instead of procrastinating, my goal recently has been to live each day to the fullest. Of course, that doesn't mean that one should live recklessly... "for tomorrow we die". But my tendency has been to put off for tomorrow (or next month, or later this year) when I need to start doing today. New Year's resolutions usually last until what, February? March? But if you treat every day like the first day of a new year, then maybe something can be accomplished. At least thats my goal. :)

"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Smokey Takes a Bath

I got cancelled from work tonight (too many nurses, not enough patients!) so I decided to be productive. I have been choking on too much cat hair lately, so I cleaned my apartment top to bottom (ok, except for the guest room which is still a pig-sty). Then I decided to attack the problem at the source. No, I didn't shave Smokes. But I did give her a bath!

My pretty girl has no idea what's coming next!

Rub a dub dub, Smokey in the tub

Smokey decided to take revenge by settling her very wet self right on my bed. Thanks, Bear. :)

So you want to be a nurse

When people hear I'm a nurse, they usually have one of a few reactions. First, they proceed to list all their health problems, in the hope that I have some sort of advice or sympathy. The second possible reaction comes from people who actually have some idea what it is that nurses do... "Wow. I don't know how you people do what you do!" And the third, and possibly most common response is: "Oh, I have a [sister, daughter, third-cousin-once-removed] who wants to be a nurse. Any advice?" This last question was posed to me tonight, so I thought I'd try formulating an answer.

Usually when I get that question, I have 2 possible answers... either "Good, we need more nurses!" or "Don't do it!". Which answer I choose pretty much depends on how my most recent shift went! :) Seriously, though, the world needs more nurses, and soon. Most people are completely unaware of the severity of the nursing shortage in the US... and it is only getting worse as baby boomers get older. Not only because that represents a huge number of people who are reaching an age where they need healthcare, but also because the nurses of that generation are retiring with no one to replace them.

When I went to nursing school, my grandmother used to say, "I don't understand why on earth anyone would want to empty bedpans for a living. Except maybe you could marry a doctor." I tried to convince her that that was an outdated view, that nursing was so much more. And don't get me wrong... it is. But there are days when I wonder why on earth I chose a job that involves so many bodily fluids!! Sometimes it really is just about emptying bedpans. But then you have a moment where you do something that completely impacts someone's life and it is totally worth it. The key is to have more of the latter and less of the former! :)

Other little bits of advice:
* I saw a t-shirt once that said "Nursing: The Hardest Job You'll Ever Love". I totally agree.
* Being a nurse takes a special kind of person... you gotta want to be a nurse. Not a job one can do just for the money, at least not for very long.
* Study hard in nursing school; it will come in handy. And realize that most of what you do on a daily basis, nobody ever mentioned in nursing school!
* You will be dealing with the public. If you have ever dealt with the general public, then you know what I am getting at. People can be, well... let's just say that nursing has not generally made me a fan of the human race. Maybe I am cynical. Sorry.
* Along the same lines, you will see all sorts of things. Not just gross medical things (which you will), but about humans. Racism. Hatred. Evil. Love. Hope. Everything you can imagine, and some things you can't even fathom. I once had 2 elderly WWII vets in the same room break out in a fight... one was Japanese, the other American. Didn't see that one coming!
* Death is inevitable. And you can't ever be prepared. Post-mortem care is one of my least favorite things. Neither is dealing with grieving family members. Or watching someone die. (Check out previous blog posts for my thoughts on this subject.)
* Nursing requires a lot of brain power. And sometimes muscles. :) And definitely a strong stomach!
* You can't choose your patients. If you take that oath, you are committed. Even if you don't want to, sometimes. That can be really hard if you are trying to help someone, and they are cursing at you or sometimes even trying to hurt you. Ever try to put a grown man in restraints while he spits at you and calls you names that would make a sailor blush? Yeah you don't hear about that in nursing school.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic or scare people away. If I knew what I was getting into, I probably never would have become a nurse. But I did it because I knew that was what God wanted me to do, even if I didn't understand why. And lately I have had some amazing experiences that made me think, "Now this is why I became a nurse." If you've read previous posts, you know about the 19 year old patient who recently died and the time I spent with him in the week or two beforehand, just sitting and listening to him talk about death. I haven't written about the latest patient that's been on my mind. She really got to me, and it's been just too much to think about. But let me just say that working with her was the reason I became a nurse... to have that kind of of impact. Of course, I got too attached, got too close, and even though that meant she got the best care I could possibly give, it meant that I went home and couldn't stop thinking about her.

Being a nurse has made me grow up. It's how I became an adult... which is probably a good thing. I was thinking the other day about how somehow I became a grown-up, with a pension and everything. How'd that happen? I wondered how it was that over the last year or two I had matured so much. I realized that it was when I became a nurse.

Bottom line? If you want a job where you can literally change lives, nursing might be for you. And it will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. But it can be awesome.